Damon Gives His Own Eulogy to RSN

At his introductory press conference, #18 , flanked by pallbearers Torre and Cash-man, gave his own eulogy to the Red Sox Nation and pronounced himself dead with six sickening words, "It's great to be a Yankee". This from a now dead Idiot who called the Yankee organization "too corporate" and falsely prophesied, "There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they're going to come after me hard. It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need." (MLB.com) "Damon you traitor!" is what my eight-year old daughter Ashley shouted at the TV as, side-by-side, we watched #18 don the grave clothes and, with total disregard for grammar, blurt to the RSN, "The players on this team is tremendous". I was somewhat surprised the mutton-chopped corpse didn't add, "Baze-a-ball bin berry-berry good to me." As a pastor, I never thought I would behold a man eulogize himself, but it's only fitting for one who is "proud to be a New York Yankee" and wants to "bring another championship to New York". After #18 finished reading his obituary, all I could do was shake my head and summon the moaning spirit of Charlie Brown (another baseball player with a stronger arm than #18) and groan, "Good grief". As often is the case at funerals, I bid adieu to #18 with a poem (my apologies to James Taylor)

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself (and vomit)
Because I love you (No, I don't)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out (and I vomit again)
There's something about you, baby (I don't want to know)

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much wrong-er
It will grow wrong-er every day
Oh, how much wrong-er (could an Idiot be)

RIP (not)