10 Reasons Why Manny Will Be Traded

1: Red Sox ownership brought a World Series title to the RSN in 2004, so if you are going to trade a first ballot hall-of-famer now is the time to do it.

2: John Henry has ALREADY proven he does not respect or want Manny. He placed Manny on unrestricted waivers and tried to trade him to Texas in the A-Rod debacle.

3: The annual "Manny being Manny" episode is bearable to most fans and players, but billionaires like Henry do not "bear with" EMPLOYEES, especially at 20 million per year (after all, that's money that could be going in his pocket).

4: Manny only hustles when he wants to (on the bases or in the field). At lease twice last year, I saw Manny thrown out by 20 feet at second base.

5: Although Manny does possess an accurate arm (high putout totals), he is an average to below-average defender overall (especially when he is on a potty break behind the Green Monster during live play).

6: Henry is not afraid to trade proven players or let them go on their own (case-in-point: Damon, Pedro, Lowe, Mueller)

7: Manny had a hissy fit last year when Francona asked him to play on a day he was scheduled to have a day off. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me Manny, you're getting paid $123,456 PER GAME. You're lucky we let you go to the bathroom at that price. The last guy who pulled that got traded and is now a utility player (we should take Nomar of that nonsense from Manny either).

8: Granted, Manny is an offensive juggernaut and an RBI freak, however, don't we all believe that defense and pitching wins titles, not offense and whining. For example, last year the Yankees and the Red Sox both had better hitting than the Chicago White Sox. And who got the ring?

9: Manny wants to be traded. Why pay someone $30,000 per at bat if he doesn't want to be there and pollutes the team morale?

10: Miguel Tejada is also a hall-of-famer and he is a better all-around player than Manny.

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a most beautiful 3 hours and 31 minutes

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Johnny Returns to Boston (or is it Casablanca?)

JOHNNY RETURNS TO BOSTON(or is it Casablanca?)

(with apologies to the Epstein brothers and Howard Koch)

Setting:
Boston, Yaz’s Café Bostonian

Cast:
Henry: Bartender of Yaz’s Café Bostonian, Red Sox fan Johnny Damon: Former Red Sox centerfielder
Andy: Accountant, Red Sox fan, Regular at Yaz's
Alexis: Former President of the Johnny Damon Fan Club
Papi: Piano Player at Yaz’s Café Bostonian

Scene:

December 2005. Inside Yaz’s Café Bostonian. Henry is behind the bar serving a beer to a customer. Andy is sitting at the bar drinking a beer and snacking on peanuts. Papi, a rotund, happy-looking, jazz pianist from Minnesota, is playing the Steinway in the middle of the smoke-filled café.

FADE-IN ON PAPI

PAPI [playing piano and singing]

It had to be you, it had to be you I wandered around, and finally found The somebody who could make me be true Could make me be blue or even be glad Just to be sad just thinking of you …

[In walks Johnny with Alexis, an attractive brunette. Alexis is the former president of the Johnny Damon Fan Club which was abruptly shutdown upon the news of Johnny’s decision to sign with the rival New York Yankees. Johnny and Alexis sit down at the bar next to Andy. Henry, recognizes Johnny from the end of the bar and swiftly walks over]


HENRY
Johnny Damon.

JOHNNY
What! Do you know who I am?

HENRY
I do. You’re lucky the bar’s open to you.

JOHNNY
Oh, you object to the kind of business I do, huh? Suppose you run your business and let me run mine.

HENRY
Why did you come back? To tell me why you ran out on me?

JOHNNY
Yes.

HENRY
Well, you can tell me now. I’m reasonably sober.

JOHNNY
I don’t think I will.

HENRY
Why no? I think I’m entitled to know.

JOHNNY
You despise me don’t you.

HENRY
If I had a gun I’d shoot you.

JOHNNY
Go ahead and shoot. You'll be doing me a favor.

HENRY
Did you run out on me because you couldn’t take it?

JOHNNY
You can believe that if you want to. Do I have to hear again what an important cause we were fighting for?

HENRY
It was your cause too. In your own way, you were fighting for the same thing.

JOHNNY
I’m not fighting for anything more, except myself. I’m the only cause I’m interested in.

HENRY
Serves me right for asking a direct question.
[Henry walks away]

JOHNNY [turning to Alexis]
I tried to stay away. I thought I would never see you again, that you were out of my life.

ALEXIS
The day you left, if you knew what I went through. If you knew how much I loved you, how much I still love you!

JOHNNY
It seems that destiny has taken a hand.

ALEXIS
Oh my darling! I wish I didn't love you so much. Who are you really? And what were you before?


JOHNNY
We said “no questions”.

ALEXIS
Just believe that I love you. Will I see you tonight?

JOHNNY
I never make plans that far ahead.

ALEXIS
Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time.

[Johnny passionately kisses Alexis]

ALEXIS
Was that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?

JOHNNY
Here’s looking at you kid.

[Alexis hands Johnny a note and rushes out of Yaz’s sobbing.
Johnny grabs it, opens it, and stares down at the letter]

Johnny, I cannot go with you or ever see you again. You must not ask why.
Just believe that I love you. Go, my darling, and God bless you. Alexis

JOHNNY
Why did she have to come to Yaz’s? There are other places.

ANDY
My dear Johnny, I suspect that under that cynical shell, you're at heart a sentimentalist.

[Henry returns]

JOHNNY
[to Henry]
I would like to buy your bar.

HENRY
It’s not for sale.

JOHNNY
You haven’t heard my offer.

HENRY
It’s not for sale at any price.

JOHNNY
What do you want for Papi?

HENRY
I don’t buy or sell human beings.

JOHNNY
Suppose we ask Papi. Maybe he’d like to make a change.

HENRY
Suppose we do.

[Peter and Johnny walk over to the piano]

HENRY
Papi, Johnny wants you to work for him.

PAPI
I like it fine here.

HENRY
He’ll double what I pay you.

PAPI
Yeah, but I ain't got time to spend the money I make here.

HENRY [to Johnny]
Sorry.

JOHNNY [to Papi]
You’re being cheated.

[Johnny walks back to the bar]

PAPI [to Henry]
When they come to get me, Henry, I hope you’ll be more of a help.

HENRY
I stick my neck out for nobody.

PAPI
Yes, boss.

[Henry returns to bar]

CUT TO BAR

JOHNNY
You are a man. If someone loved you very much, so that your happiness was the only thing she wanted in the whole world, but she did a bad thing to make, certain of it, could you forgive her?

ANDY
Nobody ever loved me that much.

[Johnny departs Yaz’s dejected]

HENRY
Love, it seems, has triumphed over virtue.

ANDY
We’ll always have 2004.

FADE OUT

THE END

Thanks to My Family for the Red Sox Gear

Below is an inventory of the new Red Sox gear I received for Christmas:

• Rivalry Chess, Red Sox v. Yankees (Sales pitch on the back: "In this head to head rivalry, will the Red Sox or the Yankees prevail? Evenly matched at the start, only one team will reign supreme. The world's greatest strategy games -- chess and baseball -- merge in Red Sox vs. Yankles Chess featuring 32 Superbly Sculpted Players In Action"). Upon viewing the gift, my daughter Ashley came over and said, "Don't worry dad, I'll be the Yankees". To which I graciously replied, "Check mate!"
• All Purpose Red Sox Utility Blanket (Perfect for cold mornings at home and cold evenings at Oakland Coliseum whatching the Red Sox play the A's six times in 2006--And it's REVERSIBLE!!)
• Sixteen Ounce Red Sox Glass (worked great with the egg nog)
• DVD, "History Rings True, Red Sox Opening Day Ring Ceremony" (Watched the day the after Christmas, with tears. My wife refused to watch Damon receive his ring--Bah humbug!)
• PLUS: One more item delayed in shipping from MLB.com. (I'm not too frustrted since last year I did not receive my blue team jacket until March).
• SIDENOTE: I also received "Monopoly, Major League Baseball Edition", from Jeni, an A's fan in my church. Much to my chagrin, the "New York Yankees" were given the Boardwalk location as the highest valued property, $400. The Red Sox came in third ( a green square) at $320 value. Cardinals were second, $350 (Park Place).

Saturday Night Live players on Damon’s Defection

(Based on a John Belushi character) “I could have stayed in Boston and been adored by millions. I could have made 10 million dollars a year. I could have published more books, starred in more movies, won more World Series, been a legend, a myth … but nooooooooooooooooooooo!

(Based on Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd sketch) “I’m a wild and crazy guy, I’m going down to Yankee Stadium and smile for those New York ladies”.

(Based on a Jane Curtain character) “This Damon thing is really enough to make you puke your guts out”.

(Based on a Chevy Chase character) “Goodbye RSN, I’m Johnny Damon and you’re not.”

Damon Gives His Own Eulogy to RSN

At his introductory press conference, #18 , flanked by pallbearers Torre and Cash-man, gave his own eulogy to the Red Sox Nation and pronounced himself dead with six sickening words, "It's great to be a Yankee". This from a now dead Idiot who called the Yankee organization "too corporate" and falsely prophesied, "There's no way I can go play for the Yankees, but I know they're going to come after me hard. It's definitely not the most important thing to go out there for the top dollar, which the Yankees are going to offer me. It's not what I need." (MLB.com) "Damon you traitor!" is what my eight-year old daughter Ashley shouted at the TV as, side-by-side, we watched #18 don the grave clothes and, with total disregard for grammar, blurt to the RSN, "The players on this team is tremendous". I was somewhat surprised the mutton-chopped corpse didn't add, "Baze-a-ball bin berry-berry good to me." As a pastor, I never thought I would behold a man eulogize himself, but it's only fitting for one who is "proud to be a New York Yankee" and wants to "bring another championship to New York". After #18 finished reading his obituary, all I could do was shake my head and summon the moaning spirit of Charlie Brown (another baseball player with a stronger arm than #18) and groan, "Good grief". As often is the case at funerals, I bid adieu to #18 with a poem (my apologies to James Taylor)

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself (and vomit)
Because I love you (No, I don't)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out (and I vomit again)
There's something about you, baby (I don't want to know)

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much wrong-er
It will grow wrong-er every day
Oh, how much wrong-er (could an Idiot be)

RIP (not)

#18: Armed and Not Dangerous

The now deceased #18 was an offensive freak last year: 197 hits, 117 runs, 75 rbis, .439 slugging, and .316 average. Thanks to the Direct TV MLB Package, I watched over 125 games last year and there were significant stretches when #18 was getting on base three times a game, every game. He was the Michael Jordan of lead-off hitters. So we have to give #18 his due (in memoriam of course). The problem with Damon was his throwing arm. Damon's arm was so weak he couldn't even throw out a ceremonial first pitch. Greg Luzinski could have gone from first to third on a one hop line drive to #18. Cecil Fielder could have gone inside-the-park on a shot to the triangle. I watched games where opposing players were tagging up on shallow flies to center (tagging up to go from first to second that is). Attention Joe Torre, go fetch the old Little League practice manual cause you're going to need the old triple cut-off play from center field (Damon to Jeter to whoever's ptiching to Posada). Yes, I will miss Damon, he was a superior offensive talent (a flat-out freak at times); however, let's get somebody who can throw the ball from centerfield to home without warning air traffic control authorities.

A Gorilla in Times Square

Speaking of gorillas in Times Square, Johnny Damon, the hairy one, is now a Yankee. He has chosen the Evil Empire over allegiance to the city, team, and fans that made him a baseball icon. My wife was shocked when I told her that Damon signed with the Yankees. Her response, "Wait a minute, I liked him. What about loyalty? Oh no, that's just wrong!" My daughter Ashley (eight years old) said, "Damon is a Yankee, how did that happen?" I just closed my eyes and re-imagined an October moment from 2004, "the year" > It was the top of the second inning, Yankee Stadium, the sacks were racked, and Damon "yanks" a grand slam into the right field bleachers, and the lights on the scoreboard blinked from 2-0 to 6-0... I remember that moment like it was right now. And with that moment re-imagined, I was OK. Johnny Damon fulfilled his destiny as the center fielder for the Boston Red Sox, he helped bring joy unspeakable and a lasting peace to the heart of Red Sox Nation. And now he is a member of the New York Yankees, the greatest chokers in the history of professional sports. Adieu #18.

Entry #1

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